Archive for October 23rd, 2011

23rd October
2011
written by amber

On the Roof

As I was sliding off the roof, the entire ridiculous sequence of events which brought me to this unhappy brink passed through my mind.

If I hadn’t tried to revitalize my marriage by taking the pole dancing course, I would never have gone on the class outing to the Black Kitty Stripper Bar.

If I hadn’t gone to the Black Kitty Stripper Bar, I would never have met Snake.

If I had never met Snake, I would never have divorced my husband.

If I hadn’t divorced my husband, I would never have received the $200,000 cash settlement for my share of the house.

If I hadn’t received the cash settlement, Snake would never have introduced me to the man who needed a cash infusion for his plan for an animal refuge/theme park for retired movie animals.

If I hadn’t invested all my money into Movie Mascot Magicland, I would never have lost all my money, as well as the extra $100,000 I borrowed so that Snake and I would own 25% of the project.

If I hadn’t borrowed the extra $100,000, I wouldn’t have been threatened by Mr. Bing and his goons.

If I hadn’t been threatened by Mr. Bing and his goons, I would never have agreed to Snake’s plan to break into my former neighbour’s house and steal their collection of valuable Canadian paintings by the Group of Seven.

If my neighbour’s key had still been kept under the planter near the back door, I would never had needed to go up on the roof and try to break in through the upstairs bathroom skylight.

If I hadn’t gone up on the roof, I would never have gone near the air conditioning unit up there.

If I’d stayed further away from the air conditioning unit on the roof, I would never have disturbed the nest of baby owls.

If I hadn’t disturbed the nest of baby owls, the mother wouldn’t have attacked me.

If I hadn’t been attacked by a furious mother owl, I wouldn’t be sliding off the roof right now.

The Story 365 project is a year-long marathon of short story writing, with a new story written every day and posted on this website from May 1, 2011 – April 30, 2012. Stories must be a minimum of 200 words. Please help me by adding first line suggestions in the Comment section.

Thank you to my cousin, Hilary Shannon, for suggesting this first line.