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9th July
posted by amber

Famous T.V. Semi-Automatic Rifle

Friends, I want to tell you about the FAMOUS T.V. SEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLE. This is no ordinary rifle, folks. Yes, it does all the things an ordinary rifle does, but the FAMOUS T.V. SEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLE does much much more. Most rifles contain a great deal of wasted space in places such as the stock and carrying strap but the FAMOUS T.V. SEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLE makes efficient use of every square centimetre of space. We’ve packed everything you’ll need for an extended campaign – you won’t need to take another thing with you.

This looks like an ordinary shoulder-strap such as you’d find on any semi-automatic rifle but just undo these two little snaps and presto – a space age ultra-thin ground sheet and sleeping bag guaranteed to shield your body heat from detection by whatever high-tech equipment your enemy might possess.

And who would guess this little stock could possibly hold so much? Just slide the convenient panel open to find a complete set of concentrated rations for three days, an ultra-miniature communication device, a compressed roll of white fabric for sanitation, first aid or surrender, plus a stainless steel manicure kit.

But the FAMOUS T.V. SEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLE has even more surprises. You might say a bayonet is nothing new but this is no ordinary bayonet – it’s the FAMOUS T.V. KNIFE! Yes, folks, the same knife you’ve used in your kitchen to slice dice grate grind cut carve and whittle is perfect for hand-to-hand combat, torture or execution. And without losing its famous ever-sharp edge.

So why not order the FAMOUS T.V. SEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLE today? Just call the number flashing on the screen and send your cheque or money order for only $659.99 to this address. COD charges not included.

But wait! There’s more! For every order for the FAMOUS T.V. SEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLE received before July 30, we’ll include our famous imitation spare ammo clip. This handy device actually contains super-concentrated fuel perfect for cooking or keeping warm, and with the flick of a switch – presto! – you have an anti-personnel unit packing a whopping 25 tons TNT equivalent.

And that’s not all! We’ll also throw in a suicide pill identical to the vitamin tablets contained in your ration pack. You’ll want to carry it everywhere, it’s so small and convenient, and you never know when you’ll need a final alternative.

Now, how can you refuse, folks? Write or call today to order the FAMOUS T.V. SEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLE!

This tale was published in On Spec magazine in the Fall 1992 issue.

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